Where do I fit in?

OK, here's a fresh one.

I have to admit, the local synagogue has made me feel welcome. Even got my picture in the newsletter - twice. (I'm the guy with the spatula and the surprised look.) I have a good time when we get together at a member's home to try reading Hebrew. And most of the time when I go to services I'm glad I went. Still, I have a feeling of hesitation before going to activities there. Something keeps reminding me I'm not Jewish, and its unlikely I ever will *be* Jewish. And then that makes me wonder why I'm so interested in Judaism in the first place.

Last week, I was looking forward to going to Friday night service. It was one of the weeks the student rabbi was in town, and it was to be a short service followed by an observance of Tu B'Sheveat. (Never mind that Tu B'Shevat was a week ago - when you have services only onece a month some adjustment is necessary.) But Friday, as sunset approached, I began to feel uneasy. I managed to find other things to keep my busy until it was too late, then felt guilty. Honestly, it felt just like in high school, when I avoided school parties because I felt like I didn't belong. I don't know what's up with that. Guess I've always felt uneasy in social situations.

I suppose the usual advice would be to talk with the rabbi, but there isn't one. We get a seminary student for maybe two days a month, and her schedule is always pretty full. I really don't know any of the congregants well enough to talk with about something this personal, especially when I have a hard time describing it. And the only Jewish friends I have that I would feel comfortable with live far far away and I see them 2-3 times a year.

*sigh* The next thing at the synagogue is the Purim party. That gives me a couple weeks to stew.